rantings of a single girl

Relationships are about compromise.  You learn to put up with each other's faults.  You deal with the little annoying things that can sometimes grate your nerves.  Basically, you decide if the good outweighs the bad and that you can love someone, faults and all, forever.

Everyone has things that they can't compromise on though.  I have them.  You have them.  Here are some things that I have been told are my faults... and some of these things I will never change.  (Which probably explains why I'm still single, but that's a discussion for another day.)

•  If you talk to me during a movie (in theater or at home) other than to say the place is on fire or you're choking to death on popcorn, then I'll pretty much strangle you right there.  I can't stand people interrupting my movie flow.  It's never gonna change.
• If I'm cooking and you try to butt into my kitchen, then I'll become the biggest bitch you've ever seen.  A bitch with knives no less.  If you wanna help me, ask.  Just don't try to take my kitchen away from me.  Note: I have become a little better about this over the years, but it's still my kitchen.
• I like pets.  I have to live in a house with pets.  They just make a house a home.  Don't even try to pursue a relationship with me if you don't like cats or dogs.  We won't make it very far because I will not compromise on this.  My cat has been with me far longer than you have.
• Speaking of things I will never compromise on is my family.  They will always be in my life.  I will always be there for them.  If your family isn't important to you, I doubt my family will have any meaning for you.  Let's just say good-bye now.
• When I get really excited about something, I ramble.  And ramble.  And ramble some more.  Sometimes I have to be told to put a cork in it.
• I'm super competitive and a perfectionist.  The two don't go together so well.  I've tried working on it, but the perfectionist in me just won't die.
• I will be a mother someday through natural means or adoption, but I will be a mother.  If you don't want kids, then go ahead and scamper off.  This is non-negotiable.

So what are some of your known faults?  (Or things you've been told are a fault?)  And don't be afraid to say what isn't up for negotiation.

Getting on Facebook has been a little depressing for me lately.  Seems like a lot of my high school and college school mates are getting married, getting engaged, and having babies.  I'd run out of fingers if I tried to count them all.  When I look at everyone's pictures of weddings, engagement rings, and their babies (or pregnant bellies), I have to admit I feel a small twinge at the bottom of my heart.  I feel like I am missing out on some big things in life.

Yet, I also know that those things will happen for me someday when the time is right.  Sure, I may be a little older than everyone, but I've also seen a lot of people get divorced.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't mind waiting for the right time so I can be confident in my relationship. 

One of my old school mates just got engaged after waiting 11 years for her boyfriend and high school sweetheart to propose.  Life just wasn't allowing them to get engaged until now.  So it goes.  Eleven years later they are still happy and on the way to the altar... who cares if they didn't get married right out of high school?

Believe me, I enjoy being single, but every now and then there is a little voice in the back of my head that says, "Tick tock.  You aren't getting any younger."  Oddly, it sounds like my mother.

Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl date.  Boy and girl fall in love.  Boy and girl get married.  That's how it's supposed to work right?  Well what about people who are in arranged marriages?  Or people who get married out of necessity (they get pregnant or someone is going to get deported)?  I've heard people say, "Oh, I can learn to love them."  But can you?

Yes, I've heard stories where people in arranged marriages fall in love.  I've also heard stories where they say that they have a great respect for their partner and care for them, but I never hear the word love.  I just can't envision a marriage without love.  Personally, when I meet a guy, if there isn't chemistry within the first 2-3 dates, then I say no thank you.  I need chemistry with someone.  I want to fall in love with someone.  I don't want to learn to love them.  And what does that mean anyway?  "I don't love you now, but someday I might" isn't something I really want to hear.

Maybe 'falling in love' is the same thing as 'learning to love' someone.  When we meet someone, we size them up.  Could they be a potential mate?  We look at them as someone who we could maybe love someday.  We ask ourselves would they be a good husband/wife/father/mother/lover?  We look at our physical and sexual chemistry with that person.  We look at their actions and how they treat others. 

At some point in that process, we eventually look at that person and say "I love you."  But it's not like someone waved the magic love wand over us to make us say that.  And it's not like there is a certain point in a relationship that we just love someone.  (If everyone said "I love you" at exactly six months of dating, then I might be onto something.)  So do we actually fall in love or just learn to love that person?

Geez, love is confusing and somehow I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that question.

I love me.

There.  I said it.  Whew.

I do love me, though.  I'm comfortable with myself.  I spend every night alone with me and I'm okay with that.  Sometimes I even carry on a conversation with myself and that's okay too.  It's important that I love myself.

How can I expect or even ask someone else to love me if I don't love myself?

I know the nuances of mind and body.  I have scars, phobias, and things I can't do just like everyone else.  Yet, I've managed to make peace with that.  I see the areas of my life that need improvement and I'm working on it.  If I don't get things just right, it's okay.  I'll still be okay with myself.  I know the things I excel at and I'm awesome because of that.

It isn't just a self-image thing.  It's a mind-body-soul thing.  How can I give my heart to someone if I don't respect and love myself?  If I'm not at peace with myself, then there will never be peace in any relationship I'm in .  How can I expect them to love me mind-body-soul if I can't accept my past, present, and future?  It's simple.  I can't.

So I know me.  And I love me.  Just the way I am.  So you can love me too.

1. You're irreplaceable.
2. You bring light into my life.
3. You're perfect just the way you are.
4. I love your (fill in the blank).
5. I am so proud of you.

I ran across these in an article stating how these five statements are what women want to hear in a relationship.  Really, I don't think they are just for women.  I have a pretty good idea men like to hear these things on occasion too.

Personally, I've always found that complimenting and letting your significant other know how you feel about them is important.  I love to hear that I'm treasured... loved... appreciated.  Who doesn't?  Maybe it's just the fact that I'm feeling a little down and lonely these days, but I miss the words "I adore you."

So if you haven't told your significant other that you adore them today, then do.  It may just be what they need to hear.

Yesterday could not have been a more hellacious day.  I spent all day at work trying to put out fires.  Not literal fires, but people-acting-like-idiots fires.  I also have a major project due at the end of the week, but I am still waiting on other people to get me their information.  So I ran around yesterday begging people to please, please, please have it to me by Thursday morning.  I hate having to hound people, but I requested this information three weeks ago!  What happened to common courtesy in the workplace?  Some other stuff blew up at work yesterday, but I'm not going to get into it.  It'll only get my blood pressure up again.

After work, I went to my yoga class.  Then stopped for a pizza on the way home.  Yeah, way to blow my yoga session, but I really, really needed some comfort food yesterday.  I got home, settled into my comfy pj pants, curled up on the couch with my pizza and season six of NCIS.  I was a happy camper.  About 8:30, my phone rang.  It was Mr. Enigmatic.  He was in town all day for business and had just gotten out of a business dinner or he would have called me sooner.  He wanted to know if I could meet him for a drink or something so we could talk.  I agreed even though I was slightly annoyed by his request.  (I'm one of those people that once I'm in for the evening, I'm in.  Only certain things (emergencies, death, acts of God) or the right person (family, my best friends) can get me out of the house once I've changed into my comfy pj pants.  I guess I'm just homebody (or a witch) that way.)

Anyway, I changed into some jeans and pulled my now nasty, yoga-fied hair into a pony tail.  I met Mr. Enigmatic at a local restaurant that has a decent bar (good atmosphere plus privacy).  He thanked me for coming since he was pretty sure this was the only chance he'd get to see me this week.  We chit chatted for a few minutes then got down to the nitty gritty.  He said that he really liked me, but was afraid he wasn't going to be able to see me much.  I told him I completely understood.  I said that I had been thinking about his situation and had wondered if maybe he didn't need to focus on his mom instead of dating right now. 

He pondered that for a minute then changed the subject.  We chit chatted a little more then, with a very sad face, he finally said he knew I was right.  He just didn't want me to be.  He's to the point where he knows his mom is never going to get better, but he's afraid he'll never get a chance at his own life because of it.  He realizes that until they can get his mom's 'mood swings' under control, she's going to be the dominant factor in his life.  I told him he was a really good son and person.  I also told him that I'd like to be there for him as a friend.  That it might help to have someone to talk to who is kind of an outsider to his whole situation.  He said he'd like that.

So it was a friendly parting.  I don' t know if I'll ever hear from him again, but if I do that's okay, too.  I wish him happiness and that someday, he'll be able to live life on his terms.

Baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more.  (Okay, sorry for the 90s flashback.  That just immediately popped into my head when I wrote the title.)

In all seriousness though, what is love?  I had the TV on for background noise last night while I did some much needed housecleaning.  I'm not sure what movie was playing, but I had the gist that the main characters were in high school.  At one point, he was professing his love for her and begging her to come with him.  In the back of my cynical mind I just thought, "You're in high school.  What do you know about love?"

Then I got to thinking, what do I know about love?  I love my family.  That's one kind of love.  I love my cat despite the fact she likes to knock over the garbage cans.  I love my best friends.  I can't imagine my life without them.  I love chocolate.  I can't imagine my life without chocolate either.  Heck, that's a lot of love right there.  But that's not the kind of love I'm talking about.   The kind of love I'm talking about is romantic love.  In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "Real love.  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I thought I had that once.  Now I'm not so sure.  I though I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy.  I would have done anything in the world for him.  Until I caught him in bed with another woman.  Then I just hated his guts.  Was I really in love though?  Or was I just in a state of infatuation because this guy held a lot of firsts for me?  Maybe he wasn't my first love. I hear you always hold a special place in your heart for your first love.  I just hold bitter resentment in my heart for him.

So how do you know when it's love?  How can you be sure that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the right person?  How do you know that's the person you want to have babies with?

I understand like.  I understand passion.  I understand sexual chemistry.  What I don't understand is love.