rantings of a single girl

Yesterday I was putzing around on Twitter, when @Catherinette and I decided we didn't want to work anymore.  So we started playing Do, Marry, or Toss.  Later, @singlemom75 joined in the fun.  Then add @iamalejandra.  It was a barrel full of monkeys and I didn't wanna work.

For those of you who don't know the game, one person names three people (say Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Jack Davenport).  Then you have to name which you'd do, marry, or toss off a cliff.  Yes, I realize it's not a very nice game, but it's still fun.

Anyway, as we were playing, I realized that the people you would hypothetically marry change in each situation.  In the Depp, Bloom, Davenport trio, I'd marry Davenport.  But take out Bloom, add Liam Neeson to the mix, and I'd marry Neeson in a New York minute.

Isn't real life kind of that way though?  We pick the best person out of those that we are presented with.  Person A, Person B, and Person C.  Person B is pretty cool, but he doesn't want to have kids.  You have fun with Person A, but they don't want to grow up any time soon.  Person C is fun, mature, wants to have kids someday, and makes you happy.  The logical choice is person C.

Then Person D comes along... and you start to second guess yourself with Person C.  What if Person D really is a green pasture?  Do you stick with Person C because you love him or do you see what Person D has to offer?

Wow.  Is dating really just a game of Do, Marry, or Toss?

Getting on Facebook has been a little depressing for me lately.  Seems like a lot of my high school and college school mates are getting married, getting engaged, and having babies.  I'd run out of fingers if I tried to count them all.  When I look at everyone's pictures of weddings, engagement rings, and their babies (or pregnant bellies), I have to admit I feel a small twinge at the bottom of my heart.  I feel like I am missing out on some big things in life.

Yet, I also know that those things will happen for me someday when the time is right.  Sure, I may be a little older than everyone, but I've also seen a lot of people get divorced.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't mind waiting for the right time so I can be confident in my relationship. 

One of my old school mates just got engaged after waiting 11 years for her boyfriend and high school sweetheart to propose.  Life just wasn't allowing them to get engaged until now.  So it goes.  Eleven years later they are still happy and on the way to the altar... who cares if they didn't get married right out of high school?

Believe me, I enjoy being single, but every now and then there is a little voice in the back of my head that says, "Tick tock.  You aren't getting any younger."  Oddly, it sounds like my mother.

I had a wonderful weekend.  I had so much fun hanging out with my best friend.  We caught up on the girl talk.  We went shopping.  We got all dolled up and had a Girl's Night Out.  It was a blast.  Until I had to take her to the airport yesterday.

I forgot how much I love having my best friend around.  How nice it is to have a female to talk to instead of my guy friends. 

I had worried that the dynamics of our relationship would change once she got married.  But really, they haven't.  And I've been pleasantly surprised by that fact.  Yes, I listen to her talk about the ups and downs of marriage, but if I was in a steady relationship, she'd have to listen to me talk about that. 

Our friendship has made it over the marriage hurdle.  And the 'we live too damn far apart' hurdle.  But now she's all-consumed with baby fever.  They are trying to get pregnant.  Which is wonderful.  She and her husband will be good parents.  I just wonder how our friendship will change.  (Yes, I'm being a wee bit selfish.)

They say a baby changes everything.  So does it change your long distance friendship with your single friend?  I can't help but wonder.

I'm such a pessimist sometimes.

PS - If you haven't checked out the 'What I'm Reading' section on the right, you should.  I've been doing a lot of reading lately!

I was going to try to post something happy, positive, and upbeat today, but I just don't have it in me.  While I did get some sleep last night, my mood has not improved much since Wednesday night.  I do first want to say thank you.  Everyone has been so supportive, and I really do appreciate it.  It's helped me stay sane... and not try to go stab people.

I spent most of last night wondering why someone would do that to their spouse.  I know marriages fail every day.  I understand that.  What I don't understand is cheating on your spouse (or significant other for that matter).  If you are so unhappy in your relationship that you need to sleep with other people, then get out of the relationship.  Don't add betrayal to an already crappy situation.  Sure, breaking-up and divorce is a horrible and hard thing to do, but saying, "By the way, I couldn't keep it in my pants because I hate you so much" is just adding insult to injury.  I don't understand why people do it.  This isn't just men.  Women do it, too.  And I still don't get it.

I don't know how I misread The Rock.  I wonder how many other women have been strung along in his game.  Or if I'm the first gullible woman.  I wonder if his wife realizes that the man she married isn't the man she thinks he is.  Oh, and for those of you who wondered how she couldn't notice all the time away, she's on the road a lot.  I recognized her at the restaurant that night.  She is a physician as well.  A rather prominent one.  She spends a lot of time on the road and in the news.  While she is on the road, her husband was dating me.  And God only knows who else.

Since I've gotten back into the dating game, something has really been bothering me lately.  How and when do you tell a guy that if you were to have kids, there is a chance you could pass a genetic disorder down to your children?

It isn't much of a secret to those I know.  They all know what happened to me and what I went through.  And no, I'm not going to say exactly what it is because it's too personal and could really blow my identity.  The good thing?  I'm cured.  I'm fine and I will be for the rest of my life.  I was lucky enough to have a doctor who knew what he was doing.  The bad side?  There is a chance I could pass this down to my kids.  It's rare that my condition is genetic, but since my mother had it as well, I am one of the rare cases.  Unfortunately, there isn't enough known about my condition to say what chance or if I even will pass it on to my kids.

So how do you tell that to someone you are serious with?  "Guess what honey?  I know you've put a ring on my finger, but you should know that I have a genetic condition that I could pass onto our children.  If they do get the condition, they'll need painful surgeries and months of therapy to possibly correct it. Even then 'fixing' the condition is a crap shoot."

Yeah, I can see that going over really well.

I guess you could say a good guy who really does love me will say, "That's okay honey, we'll cross that bridge when we get there."  I guess if he is the right guy for me, that'll be his reaction.  Secretly, I fear a guy saying, "No way.  I can't handle that."  If that happens, I'm sure I'll be crushed but then I'd move on.  My question is, when is the right time to tell him?  Certainly it isn't something I'm going to share in the first few dates, but it is something that should be disclosed before an engagement.  Maybe once I'm serious with a guy?  Or maybe once we start talking about marriage?

Sigh.  Life can really throw some curve balls sometimes.

I spent Friday night hanging with a group of friends that I adore.  Three things are guaranteed when I hang out with them: great conversation, a fantastic time, and entirely too much alcohol.  Yet, when you put the seven of us together, we manage to solve all of the world's problems.  So after a wonderful dinner, we sat around the living room talking, drinking, and playing video games.  At one point, David* confessed that he we becoming smothered by his new girlfriend and was afraid he was going to have to end it.  No big surprise to the rest of us.  David is a sweet and funny guy, but he goes through women like water.  His longest relationship is four months. 

David's confession got us talking about the subject of relationships and trying to answer certain questions.  Although we still don't have the answers to the questions, we did have a pretty good discussion.  Take two single guys, one single girl, and two married couples and you get some pretty interesting answers.  (Please remember vast quantities of alcohol were involved.)

When does a relationship go from being short term to long term?
For David, anything over four months is a long term relationship.  For Matt*, the other single male, his longest relationship was a year.  What he calls his shortest relationship was six months.  For myself, my longest was a little over a year and shortest was six months.  Our answers didn't prove anything.  Is six months and over considered long term?  Or is it different for every person? 

When does dating become a relationship?
This question was discussed on a friend's blog a last week, which is what caused me to bring the question into play.  This one we were able to answer pretty easily.  It depends on the people in the relationship and the commitment they want to make to each other.  The consensus Friday night was that once you are 'exclusive' then you are in a relationship.

When does having sex with someone become 'making love'?
While the round table managed to agree that there is a difference between 'just sex' and 'meaningful sex', we still couldn't determine when you cross the line.  Possibly after those three little words are spoken?  Maybe before?  Or is every person just different? 

When does someone go from being 'just a date' to 'The One'?
Peter* and Connie* have been married for 5 years now.  They dated on and off for 3 years before they got married.  Peter says he knew the moment he met Connie they would get married.  Connie on the other hand never saw herself marrying Peter (hence the on and off dating).  Finally after their fourth time of getting back together, Connie realized that Peter really was The One.  Peter said he just knew she would come around in her own time.  But how did they know?  They still couldn't answer that question with any thing other than they just knew. 

How do you know you're in love?
According to the second married couple, Tim* and Ginger*, it's a lot like knowing someone is The One.  You just know.  Ginger had surgery when she was dating Tim.  Nothing major, but she said Tim went to the hospital with her and stayed with her the whole time despite the face the was without make-up, in the hospital, and constantly whining because of the pain.  She said that was the day she fell in love with him.  Tim wouldn't tell us his 'I fell in love with Ginger' story, but he agreed that he just knew.  (Again with the knowing...)

Basically, our discussions proved fruitless. Are these are unanswerable questions?  Some things that we will never know, but get to experience the mystery of?  My round table will probably tackle these questions again some Friday night.  Something tells me instead of looking for answers, we just should hang on and enjoy the ride.

*Names have been changed

I talked to Marie Saturday night to see how she was doing and to apologize for my snap judgement a few nights before.  I also wanted her to know that I would be there for her.  Fortunately for me, she said she understood.  We talked for a little while and she confessed to me that she was scared of being right.  Marie knows if Tom has cheated on her again, then it is the end of her marriage.  She said she is scared of knowing the man she married isn't the man she is supposed to spend her life with.  If Tom isn't the man for her, then who is?

Marie's confession got me to thinking.  I can't imagine being in her shoes.  At the same time, I allowed myself to admit something.  As comfortable as I am with my single life and single self, I'm woman enough to admit there is a small part of me that is terrified of never meeting someone.  Some times, there is a little pessimistic voice in the back of my head telling me that I won't.  That there isn't anyone for me.  If I do find the right guy for me, it'll be right before my 80th birthday.  Then I'll die in a freak accident or something.  (I said it was the pessimistic voice!)

On the other hand, if I do meet Mr. Right and we fall madly in love, will it be worth it?  Look at Marie and Tom and everyone else who's gotten a divorce.  They thought they were the ones for each other, but apparently they weren't.  The divorce rate in America is 50%.  So I guess you could say your marriage has a 50/50 shot of working all things being equal? 

Then I look at people like my grandparents who made it 64 years before my grandfather's death.  Maybe marriage and relationships have a better shot than we give them credit for.  Surely there is something to be said for the whole song and dance because people keep dating.  People keep getting married.  I guess that is what gives me hope that there is someone out there for me.  It's just a matter of finding him.

Now if only I could quiet that little pessimistic voice in my head.

Yesterday, my fellow blogger SimoneGrant twittered an article from the Washington Post that I found rather interesting.  I'm just going to give a basic synopsis of the article, because I want to focus on the comments that I read about the article.  A basic outline of the article is that men and women are waiting until they are older and wiser to get married these days.  The author says this is a good thing for men because they gain market value (are more mature, have more money, etc), but is a bad thing for women because they loose market value (loose looks, loose fertility chances, etc).  It is better for women to marry young to an older man because a woman marrying young has a higher success rate than a man marrying young.  (You can read the entire article through this link.)  Yeah, my head is spinning too.  Like I said, I'm not going to comment on the article, I'm going to comments.  Actually, a particular comment.

This is the comment I ran across that sparked this post:

"This made me cry.  I'm a 28-year-old woman who wanted nothing more than to marry at 22 and have a baby by 25, but it just didn't happen. I dragged out my college tenure, and finally ended up dropping out because I lost hope of graduating with a fiancé.  Now I feel like my sell-by date has passed, and I have no chance of ever being happy. Thanks for making me feel even worse about this."

Am I the only person shocked/saddened by this comment?  It's sad when a 28-year-old women thinks she has reached her sell by date and has no chance of being happy.  Then again, I also find it kind of maddening that she went to college just to find a husband.  What happened to self-worth?  Someone did ask if she went to college just to find a husband.  Her answer: "No, I went to college with the intent of studying things I wanted to learn about, but expected to find a husband in the process. I got so depressed when I didn't find anyone husband-worthy who wasn't already attached that I had a breakdown and dropped out. I don't see how I'd be any better off with a BA in Philosophy, anyway."  Wow.

I'm having a lot of trouble understand this.  Maybe it's because I realize my life is complete with or without a man in it.  As I've said many a time, if I find someone, then huzzah.  If not, then I'll be quite alright on my own.  I can't understand having nervous breakdowns, dropping out of college, or quitting a job because you can't find a significant other.  Can someone explain this to me?  Please?  Am I being a realist or a jaded dater?