rantings of a single girl

I didn't know I could be so angry at a human being.  I've been angry and upset with someone before, but not the way I am angry at The Rock right now.  He has managed to push me to an emotional low that I didn't even know was possible.

If you remember, The Rock is a physician.  Yesterday he showed up at my place of work for a meeting with one of my bosses (I have four), because he is entertaining the possibility of joining the group that I work for.  This is why he wanted to talk to me yesterday, among other things.

He showed up for his meeting about 20 minutes early so we could talk.  When the secretary up front told me his name, I was ready to kill him.  I ran up front, practically shoved him outside, and started to yell at him.  What on Earth was he thinking showing up at my job?

He explained why he was there.  One, the meeting.  Two, he was hoping to take me out to lunch.  When I heard about the meeting, I was floored.  I barely had time to process that when my boss (my boss!) walks outside, shakes The Rock's hand, and asks me how I know him.  I manage to force a smile, come up with some lame excuse about being old acquaintances, and then excuse myself.

After their meeting, The Rock came around to my office.  I walked back outside with him then very calmly and politely asked him to consider what he was doing.  That if he had any feelings for me at all.... if he ever once cared about me... then he would not try to get a job where I work.  He asked me to lunch again.  I told him no because I had no desire to sit through a meal with him.  Oh and because he's married.  He said he and his wife had reached an amicable decision years ago... they no longer loved each other but she had grown accustomed to their lifestyle.  And he needed a wife for he professional functions.  He liked me and though that I would be discreet about an outside relationship.

What the hell kind of marriage is that?

I told him he could stop talking.  Apparently he didn' t have a clue about who I am.  I deserve better than to be someone's mistress.  If he and his wife have that kind of arrangement, that's fine.  But I will not be party to that.  Ever.  And I walked away.

Now if I could just figure out how to keep him from getting a job here.

'Dating Stinks' doesn't really have the same ring as 'Love Stinks' but you get my drift.  And dating really does stink sometimes.  There are times I really envy people who are married or have found their significant other.  They have successfully made it to the end of the dating road... and have someone to share their life with.  Yeah, I envy that.

Dating also makes me doubt myself.  I consider myself to be a pretty strong, confident, and secure woman.  Except when it comes to dating.  Well, not so much dating, but when dating fails.  I always end up asking myself it I was the party at fault.  Was it something I did?  Was it something about my personality?  My looks? 

In retrospect, I know those are silly questions.  The fact is people don't always mesh.  Some people just aren't meant to be.  Yet, I always find myself a little insecure and doubting my self-confidence a little after I've been dumped or stood up.

Then you have the situation with The Rock.  This time, I'm not doubting myself (okay, I am a little).  Instead I'm angry.  Angry at him.  Angry at me.  I'm angry at him for all the obvious reasons.  Why am I angry at me?  Because I didn't see it.  Now I know I couldn't have seen it.  I know I'm the 'victim' here, but I'm still mad.  I feel duped.  I feel played.  And I'm mad.  And depressed.  Because the 'no one would suspect' comment did nothing for my self-esteem.

Needless to say, I'm going to take a break from dating for a little while.  I need time to regroup.  Rebuild my self-confidence.  Time to realize that not all men are jerks... and there are genuinely nice guys out there.  I'll eventually get back on the horse.  Just give me time.

The Rock (or The Bastard as I am calling him these days) called.  And called.  And emailed.  And texted.  And sent flowers to my job.

I've ignored it all.  I even had the flowers sent to the hospital and asked them to give them to someone who doesn't get a lot of visitors or doesn't have family.  I don't want to hear it from him.  Fuck him.

Unfortunately, he showed up at my house this afternoon.  Not much I could do.  Well, I could have shot him, but I really didn't want to explain that to the cops.  Anyway.  He said I didn't understand.  He and his wife aren't happy.  They haven't been for a few years now (wah, wah wah).  They've only stayed together because people expect them to (whatever).  He really clicked with me and has been wanting to tell me.  But he didn't know how I'd take it (how the hell was I supposed to take it???)

Then he said this: "It's just... well... not only did we click, but I knew no one would suspect anything if I was with you."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???

I turned around, walked in the house, and closed the door.  In.  His.  Face.

Fuck him.  Fuck him for making me feel happy.  And cared about.  And for making me hate myself.  And for making me doubt myself.

Now that I've written this post and reviewed it, I realize I use a lot of foul language.  I apologize.  I'm just angry at the moment.

I was going to try to post something happy, positive, and upbeat today, but I just don't have it in me.  While I did get some sleep last night, my mood has not improved much since Wednesday night.  I do first want to say thank you.  Everyone has been so supportive, and I really do appreciate it.  It's helped me stay sane... and not try to go stab people.

I spent most of last night wondering why someone would do that to their spouse.  I know marriages fail every day.  I understand that.  What I don't understand is cheating on your spouse (or significant other for that matter).  If you are so unhappy in your relationship that you need to sleep with other people, then get out of the relationship.  Don't add betrayal to an already crappy situation.  Sure, breaking-up and divorce is a horrible and hard thing to do, but saying, "By the way, I couldn't keep it in my pants because I hate you so much" is just adding insult to injury.  I don't understand why people do it.  This isn't just men.  Women do it, too.  And I still don't get it.

I don't know how I misread The Rock.  I wonder how many other women have been strung along in his game.  Or if I'm the first gullible woman.  I wonder if his wife realizes that the man she married isn't the man she thinks he is.  Oh, and for those of you who wondered how she couldn't notice all the time away, she's on the road a lot.  I recognized her at the restaurant that night.  She is a physician as well.  A rather prominent one.  She spends a lot of time on the road and in the news.  While she is on the road, her husband was dating me.  And God only knows who else.

FML

That about sums everything up.  I'm so mad right now that I could spit nails.  I should have seen this coming!  Hell, I've been down a road similar to this before.  And I still didn't see it.  A few people told me to tread carefully.  I even told myself to proceed with caution!  Instead, I just let myself be taken along for the ride!

I went out last night with Kevin and Lauren (Mark couldn't make it).  We were sitting there enjoying our dinner when I look across the restaurant an see The Rock.  I started to get excited and just as I got ready to point him out to my dinner companions, I realized he was with another woman.  I didn't think anything of it at first because I thought it could be a colleague, a friend, or his sister.  Or even a date... not like we were exclusive (even though I had been secretly hoping that is what he wanted to talk to me about this weekend).  Plus, Kevin was sitting on my side of the booth, which could have been taken a million different ways.

Then I saw it.

A tiny flash of gold on his left ring finger.

I just sat back and drew in a quick breath and tried not to cry.  I also tried not to pick up my steak knife and go stab him.  Kevin and Lauren were really confused and trying to figure out what was going on.  I told them who the guy across the room was and why I was so mad.  Much to my confusion, Kevin called the waiter over.  The genius that Kevin is had their wine glasses refilled compliments of us.  When the waiter delivered the drinks and pointed us out, Kevin, Lauren, and I were smiling serenely.  The Rock's face was priceless.  Then I saw him trying to explain why the people at that table would be sending them drinks.  I don't know what he said, and I don't care.

He's wife got up at some point and went to the bathroom and The Rock was immediately at our table.  His first words were, "It's not what you think."  I just look him dead in the eye and told him to go to hell.  Kevin, Lauren, and I then got up from the table.  Kevin smiled at him sweetly and said, "Thanks for dinner by the way.  It's so sweet of you to pick up our tab."  We drove home in silence.  I had met them at Lauren's house and neither Kevin or Lauren was comfortable with me driving home alone.  Since it was just a 10 minute drive I knew I'd be okay.  They let me go as long as I promised to call if I needed anything.

I made it home, walked in the door, and lost it.

Reason for Hyperventilating: I've been sleeping with a married man!  I want to cry.  That's just way, way up there on my list of things not to do.  And I did it!  Although I didn't know I was at the time, so I take a little comfort there.  But it boils down to this: I slept with a married man!

Reason for Head Bashing: How could I have missed the signs?  His profile picture seemed extremely old and almost didn't look like him.  He never wanted to go to his place, always mine.  He always had last minute cancellations.  He always 'worked' late.  He only texted me during the day and called at night.  Usually later in the evening that most people would consider an appropriate time to call someone.  I've been cheated on before.  I know the signs to when someone is messing around.  I'm such an idiot!

Reason I Could Be A Real Bitch If I Wanted: I could tell his wife.  I could find her pretty easily and tell her about his adulterous ways.  Would that be too much?  Would she even believe me?  Does she already know and ignore it?  Part of me wants payback.  The other part of me can't stand to wreck a home.  What if he has kids?  Oh shit.

What did I do this weekend?  Some of you may think I had a nice, romantic date with The Rock.  This is where you'd be wrong.  We didn't even see each other.  We didn't even have plans actually.  He was on-call (again) for his practice, so we just decided we'd get together if we could.  If we couldn't, no biggie.  Unfortunately, we didn't (obviously).  I'm learning to accept the fact that with dating The Rock, there are going to be challenges.  Well what relationship doesn't have challenges?  Seriously, I'm just going to have to learn not to take it personally when he can't meet me or we can't do anything.  Such is life.

In other news, he's going to make it up to me by taking me to see Harry Potter next weekend.  And he said he wanted to talk to me about something that's been on his mind for a little while now.  I'm so freaking curious that I'm going to be nutty by Friday.

I couldn't be happier...

Yesterday I took a personal day from work.  I needed to have some dental work done.  I'm always cranky and headachy after I have dental work done, so I decided to just take the day off.  After all, what's the point in vacation days if you don't use them?

First thing yesterday morning, I had my teeth worked on.  Then I drove 45 minutes to my old hometown to get my hair cut.  (I'm very, very ticky about who cuts my hair.)  Since I was in town, I decided I'd swing by my parent's house and cook them dinner.  Sometimes it's nice to cook for others.  Plus dining alone almost every night gets old.

While I was in the midst of cooking, I got a text message from The Rock.  He was wondering when I'd been home and how I was feeling from that morning's visit to the dentist.  I told him I was at my parent's and would probably be home around 7:00 PM.  He just asked me to send him a text when I got home.  By the time I got home, my mouth was KILLING me.  I've never hurt this badly from getting fillings before.  So I sent The Rock a text saying I was home, but I was really hurting so I just wanted to go to bed.  He asked if he could drop by for 30 minutes.  So I said yes.

He showed up about 8:00 PM with some Advil and a pint of neopalitan ice cream.  He said he thought about bringing my favorite ice cream (mint chocolate chip), but he was afraid the chips would hurt my teeth even more.  Then he sat on the couch with me for a little bit, held an ice pack to my jaw, and played with my hair.  As I was starting to get sleepy, he tucked me in bed, kissed me good night, and let himself out.

I have to say it was really, really nice to have someone baby me when I was feeling bad.

I had a lovely surprise this weekend... The Rock took me out for dinner and dancing.  I haven't been on a dinner/dancing date since, oh, the high school prom.  When he first asked me if I'd like to go to out Saturday night, I just assumed we were going to dinner.  Once we got to the restaurant, there was a live band and a cleared area for a dance floor.  I was giddy with happiness.

So we ate, we drank a little, and danced.  It was so much fun.  Then The Rock got a phone call about 9:00 PM.  He excused himself from the table and returned in about five minutes.  He said he would need to go ahead and take me home.  Apparently the phone call was the hospital and he needed to go see a patient before he turned in for the night.  I told him I would be glad to wait at the hospital for him if it was important.  He said it wasn't an emergency, but he did need to see the patient within the next hour.  So he took me home.  I told him he was more than welcome to come back to the house after seeing his patient.  He kissed me, told me thanks, but he would probably just head on home.  He did say he would text me if he changed his mind.  I never heard from him.

So while the evening ended a little earlier than both of us wanted, I did have a fantastic time.

I told The Rock Thursday evening that I probably wouldn't be able to see him this past weekend.  When he asked why, I explained that I was probably going to try to do something with my mother Friday night since my father is out of town.  Then Saturday I had plans to go to the theater with a good friend and I've had this planned for months (otherwise I would have asked The Rock to go with me).  Then Sunday is my clean house/do laundry/do everything else I've been putting off day.  He said he understood but was pretty sullen about it.

When my friend and I were leaving the theater (which was about an hour and a half from where I live), my car started have major problems.  I was really scared that I wasn't going to make it home.  Bless my dad's heart.  I called him in tears at midnight, he just talked me through the problem and told me to come to their house.  It was about 1:00 AM when I got there and about 1:30 AM my phone rang.  It was The Rock.  He had been sitting at my house for about an hour waiting for me to get home.  He wanted to surprise me.  I told him I had car trouble and was staying at my parent's so my dad could check out my car the next morning.  The Rock was really disappointed but asked if he could come over when I got home Sunday.  So I said okay even though I had no idea when that would be.

I made it home around 10:00 AM in the pick-up I borrowed from my grandmother.  (The joy that will come from driving that thing for a week, but that's another topic.)  The Rock came over and we immediately went to bed.  We lounged around until about 2:00 PM which was really nice.  In our lounging, he said really, really liked me and could really see things going places with me.  While that was nice to hear, I must admit my heart and head were screaming two different things.  My heart said, "Oh my God, finally a decent guy!" while my head said, "You should still proceed with caution.  Something's amiss."

Sigh.  Which do I listen to?  Is it time to break out the list of pros and cons?  Should I slam on the brakes or just cruise right along?  There is just this tiny nag in the back of my head that is holding me back.  Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship in so long that I don't know how to act anymore.

Crap.  I'm over thinking this.

I had a date with The Rock on Tuesday night.  I'm just now writing about it because I needed to mull some things around in my head first.  I mean, one I was shocked he asked me out on a week night.  He told me weeks ago that dating on week nights is extremely difficult for him due to his job.  Second, part of me wanted to say no because of the weekend before.  I decided that would be petty of me, so I went out with him.

We had a lovely dinner and ended up back at my place.  Again.  The reason I say again is because I'd really like to see his place.  I even asked if I could see his place last night.  He said, "I'd rather go back to your place.  It's so homey and nice."  So we went back to my place.  Again.  (Did I mention the again part?)  I will say come Wednesday morning I was glad we had gone back to my place.  The Rock stayed the night, so at least I wasn't the one who had to wake up at the crack of dawn to go home and get ready for work.

Anyway, we had a couple of interesting conversations.  I told him the way he brushed me off over the 4th of July weekend hurt my feelings a little bit.  He apologized, but he said that's the way it was sometimes.  That sometimes he was going to have to cancel... and he had told me that before hand.  I told him that was fine, but a little explanation was nice.  Like work or family emergency or something.  He didn't reply to that...

Then I asked if he was dating someone else.  He got a little defensive at first until I explained I was fine with it.  We weren't exclusive, so if he was dating someone else that's fine.  I did explain I would rather know than get some half-hearted excuse as to why we can't do something or why he is cancelling on me.  He said he wasn't dating anyone else.  He also said he would let me know if he did, but he really wasn't interested in anyone else.

So I stared at him.  I have no idea what that meant.  Was it a subtle "I don't want you to see anyone else either" or just a simple "No one else has caught my attention... yet." kind of statement?

I didn't get an answer because he had fallen asleep.  Or was pretending to be asleep.  I really couldn't tell which.

Crap.  I've been mulling over this for 48 hours now.  Am I reading too much?  Am I making something out of nothing?  A mountain out of a molehill?  Am I being too demanding in saying a little explanation would be nice? 

Agghh!  I'm so confused.  And suddenly finding myself wanting to tread very carefully.